In honor of Valentine's Day, TODAY Moms interviewed Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar on maintaining marital intimacy while raising 19 children. (This post is the edited, more family-friendly version of the original article released by TODAY.)
1. Wives: Make Time for Your Husband
Michelle shares the advice that a friend gave her many years ago: "She said, 'In your marriage there will be times you're going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day's work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you. Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.'"
Even when Michelle is exhausted after a long day of homeschooling, disciplining and keeping up with her brood, she purposes to set aside time to spend with her husband. "That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage," the mom of 19 told TODAY Moms.
Jim Bob agrees: "We're like a newlywed couple every day!" said the dad of 19.
2. But give it a rest sometimes.
Jim bob and Michelle have chosen to follow Old Testament principles of abstinence, not because they feel the have to, but because they have found that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. They abstain for a week each month, as well as for 80 days after the birth of a girl and 40 days after a boy is born. "When you've missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more," said Michelle.
3. Treat your wife like a queen.
In addition to physical intimacy, the Duggars also stress the importance of emotional intimacy. They send each other "I love you" texts when they're apart, and Jim Bob likes to surprise his wife with flowers and other tokens of his affection.
"That's key in a relationship, the husband needs to cherish his wife and always treat his wife like a queen," said Jim Bob. Michelle responds by showing her husband the respect and support that he deserves.
4. The strong, silent type is overrated.
"He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams," Michelle told TODAY Moms. "Many men would not do that, but God's word says that before honor comes humility. When he learns to humble himself before God and me, it builds him up so much in my eyes."
5. Perfectionism kills romance.
According to Jim Bob, "Expectations ruin relationships." He has made it his personal goal to leave his perfectionism and detail-oriented tendencies at work. That allows the father of 19 to develop an attitude of love towards his wife and children and to praise them as often as he can.
You've heard them mention this many times before, but Jim Bob and Michelle have made weekly date nights a habit. Their date nights usually take place on Saturday evenings, but with 19 kids and a loaded schedule, the couple often has to get creative to squeeze in their time together. When they are at home, Michelle has a favorite ice cream shop that she likes to visit.
7. Never stop learning.
That's one of Michelle's favorite mantras. "Life is a classroom," she tells her kids. "You never stop learning." This advice rings true in her marriage, as well. Although it might seem like the Duggars have it all figured out, they will be the first to tell you that they don't. After almost 30 years of marriage, Jim Bob and Michelle are always on the lookout for marriage advice.
Once of their favorite pieces of advice came from an Amish couple who had been married for 50 years. According to this man and his wife, the secret to a healthy marriage is remembering the phrases "I was wrong" and "Will you forgive me?"
1. Wives: Make Time for Your Husband
Michelle shares the advice that a friend gave her many years ago: "She said, 'In your marriage there will be times you're going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day's work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you. Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.'"
Even when Michelle is exhausted after a long day of homeschooling, disciplining and keeping up with her brood, she purposes to set aside time to spend with her husband. "That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage," the mom of 19 told TODAY Moms.
Jim Bob agrees: "We're like a newlywed couple every day!" said the dad of 19.
Jim Bob (19) and Michelle (17) on their wedding day in 1984
Jim bob and Michelle have chosen to follow Old Testament principles of abstinence, not because they feel the have to, but because they have found that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. They abstain for a week each month, as well as for 80 days after the birth of a girl and 40 days after a boy is born. "When you've missed it for seven days, you look forward to it even more," said Michelle.
The Duggars as newlyweds
In addition to physical intimacy, the Duggars also stress the importance of emotional intimacy. They send each other "I love you" texts when they're apart, and Jim Bob likes to surprise his wife with flowers and other tokens of his affection.
The Duggars in the early '80s
"He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams," Michelle told TODAY Moms. "Many men would not do that, but God's word says that before honor comes humility. When he learns to humble himself before God and me, it builds him up so much in my eyes."
Jim Bob and Michelle in 2012
According to Jim Bob, "Expectations ruin relationships." He has made it his personal goal to leave his perfectionism and detail-oriented tendencies at work. That allows the father of 19 to develop an attitude of love towards his wife and children and to praise them as often as he can.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar before their marriage in 1984
6. Make time for date night.
You've heard them mention this many times before, but Jim Bob and Michelle have made weekly date nights a habit. Their date nights usually take place on Saturday evenings, but with 19 kids and a loaded schedule, the couple often has to get creative to squeeze in their time together. When they are at home, Michelle has a favorite ice cream shop that she likes to visit.
Still sweet on you: Despite a literal bus-load of kids, Michelle and Jim Bob make time for a date night every week.
That's one of Michelle's favorite mantras. "Life is a classroom," she tells her kids. "You never stop learning." This advice rings true in her marriage, as well. Although it might seem like the Duggars have it all figured out, they will be the first to tell you that they don't. After almost 30 years of marriage, Jim Bob and Michelle are always on the lookout for marriage advice.
Once of their favorite pieces of advice came from an Amish couple who had been married for 50 years. According to this man and his wife, the secret to a healthy marriage is remembering the phrases "I was wrong" and "Will you forgive me?"
A shared love of fantastic hair kept the Duggars together over the
years: Just kidding, their shared values and faith in God were probably
more important. Still, the hair doesn't hurt.
Happy Valentine's Day to all of our lovely readers!
Happy Valentine's Day to all of our lovely readers!
I've seen this to be true in my marriage as well!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing!:)
ReplyDeleteThey are adorable. <3
ReplyDeleteLovely!
ReplyDeleteGreat tips.def will do those!!!!
ReplyDeleteHow is Michelle still able to have more children?
ReplyDeleteLove this family!
ReplyDeleteI've got one question! Now that she has older kids, they have date nights once a week. What happened when their oldest was 12?? Did they have weekly date nights too?? I'd love to know how to implement that piece of advice with only little kids.
ReplyDeleteWow. Great advice!
ReplyDeleteTMI
ReplyDeleteI would probably consider myself something of a fan of the Duggars, but I will confess that I am puzzled, wondering why they would do such an interview, with TODAY, of all things. The original article was just WAY too "intimate," if you will, which is only to be expected with such a magazine, of course. I'm sure the Duggars may have had pure motives, but quite frankly, I am terribly disappointed in their choice of who they used to share some very personal things. I am increasingly distressed how it just seems like everything they do in life becomes a point for publicity---to make a bigger and grander show. I respect Lilly and Ellie for hosting this blog, but this latest article really REALLY bothered me.
ReplyDeletethey never have personal intimate details but did talk about sex and if the audience they are speaking to is married couples then it shouldn't be embarrassing
Delete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous 8,
Jim Bob and Michelle have been doing weekly date nights for years. When all their kids were little, Grandma Duggar babysat, and she is still willing to babysit now.
~Lily and Ellie
was this INFO REALLY NECESSARY? also DO YOU/THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO MENTION/SAY THEY HAVE 19KIDS? They need to keep some of there thoughts out of the PUBLIC way to personal. also are there marriage counselors now offering advice?
ReplyDeleteI agree TMI
ReplyDeleteWhat ever works for them,It may not b ideal for others,but for them it sure seems to really make them happy. Oh boy I can see it now, the vulchers will strike, time to weed through all the negative strikes. Let's just be happy for them and go to another site to let off your steam.Frankly, we are all sick of those unhappy people who are rude, if they were content with their own lives they wouldn't feel the need to judge others, right? Anyways, I am always happy to learn more about this kind sweet loving family.Bless you all, even the meanies.
ReplyDeleteThank you I am in agreement with you. Some just can't understand what they themselves can't be!!!" Duggars ROCK!!!!!!!
DeleteTo those who find this an inappropriate topic, or too much info, it's real life. Issues that need to be addressed same as any others. That Christians are willing to talk about these things is great! This post was great and had some good tips.
ReplyDeletein a world where the "S"word is talked about by unmarried couples, it's made to be dirty etc. I find it refreshing to get the topic out there in an appropriate clean biblical way :)
DeleteWell put!!!!!
DeleteFinally true Christians!!!!! Why must they be persecuted? For tryn to help? To share the truth? Shouldn't b so shocked really Jesus was.....look inside ask why it bothers u so...The Duggars are the real Christians here. Has the media really convinced Americans that True BELIEVERS don't exist? ?? Please people pray for truth. Don't b so Quick to persecute. Have we really became so quick to determine what is NOT real?? We need more families to follow by the example the Duggars bring to us. Jesus Christ is their example they lead their lives by. Who is the leader you choose? Don't we have the right to lead our lives by what we belive?... The freedom to choose how, what and yes even when to say what we believe. Jesus died for all of us believer's and nonbelievers alike giving us FREEWILL....Our forefathers believed in GOD,died took give us Religious freedom the freedom of speech,we are still dying to protect these precious rights.... for us as blessed human beings who were born in the UNITED.....STATES OF AMERICA..Christian,Muslim, Jewish,Buddhism,Hinduism, and many more make up Americans the commonness we all share is a Belief of a power great than us, the right to practice these beliefs. Much death has been in the name of religion isn't it time to accept others right to believe in what they belive, the right to speak it, the practice of those spiritual beliefs? If one does not agree why not accept it as that persons right to have and follow their belief just as one has. I too must take this to heart MINUTE BY MINUTE... I support your rights to respond.....or not....Living one day at a time minute to minute.......Friend of Bill W.
DeleteYour relationship constantly reminds me to be an encourager of others, and that being pleasing to God in all things must come first. I am a miserable failure on a daily basis, but your show and family remind me to stop worrying about all the busy stuff and focus more on being kind to those around me.
ReplyDeleteIts wonderful advice if both spouses are on board with these principles..It can work, they have a lot of love for eachother and their children see this everyday. Good on them, they are a true testament to a relationship that works with the help of Gods principles. They dont just read the information the APPLY it to their lives and it works amazingly.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! The article posted on TODAY was probably more salacious than intended by the Duggars but I am thankful for them being true light in a dark world! The world needs more testimony of what real love looks like- the love Jesus challenges each of us to show. That applies both in and out of marriage. Thankful for them and their example!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous It bothers me, as well-Anonymous 11. JimBob and Michelle enforce dating rules and modesty with their children; but publicly discuss their sex life and Michelle's period! Quite a contradiction! Is it a case of don't do as I do; do as I say?
ReplyDelete@Lily and Ellie They were very fortunate to have a grandparent willing and able to take care of their many children while they went out. I was not as lucky with only two kids! My husband and I went out rarely. Not only did we not have family to sit for our children; but to hire a baby sitter would cost us as mush as our meal! Hard to do financially. So, that advice is easier said than done!
ReplyDeleteMore power to them, u can't fake a happy marriage, you can see the joy all over their face, God speed to you JimBob & Michelle. Sincerely Natalie from Nebraska
ReplyDeleteConfused... I don't understand the concept of abstaining for a week each month. Don't we all do that while a woman has her period? Or is it two weeks total?
ReplyDeleteWhy do they wait different amounts of time after a girl birth opposed to a boy birth?
ReplyDeleteWell I think that was way to much information I dont care about what they do and how often they do it. I bet that if their kids read this blog or the interview they sure will be embarassed.
ReplyDeleteWhat a disappoiment.
TMI. They got married so young and yet encourage their children to wait til they are 20 or older and court for a while before getting married.
ReplyDeleteThis family teaches that life's entire purpose is to mate and reproduce and a whole lot about you know, the "S" word. Simply put, the Bible does not teach that at all; not at all. The Bible states it is sometimes better to remain unmarried. The Bible addresses barren women and barren men and loves them anyway; after all, He created all people. The Bible teaches that some people are born barren. These two quite obviously have, a-hem, cough, extremely high libitos, in which case I am happy that God sent them each other so they did not sin. Look at their pictures even in their teen years--my children would be grounded until age 30 [kidding] for posing for these Duggar-type pictures in their teen years. They do not even allow their own children to pose for such pictures, so why are they publishing them as a "carrot" to "do as I say and not as I did?" Not all people are as amorous as the Duggars, and most people can go more than 7 days without, a-hem, "intimacy" without missing it. And intimacy can be expressed in many other ways other than doing "that." I am truly happy that God paired them up. They are doing nothing wrong. However, to put the entire world in their little box is just plain wrong. And to put their children in their little box is just plain wrong. The Duggars need to read the Bible in its entirely and not in the "pick and choose" fashion that they do. They believe all life is created by God, and we all know God doesn't make mistakes, not even a tiny one. Therefore, if a woman is pregnant with an ectopic pregnancy, according to the Duggars either the mother has to die (which she probably will if the pregnancy is not aborted) or if God intervenes and spontaneously aborts the pregnancy, therefore preventing a burst uterus. More and more holes. Just more and more. I am happy for these two that they each found a mate that can keep up with their quite obvious overpowering need for "intimacy." However, they need to expand their minds beyond their few favorite Bible verses and teach what the Bible speaks of in its entirety.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 11: Today is a TV show, not a magazine.
ReplyDeleteWhen God distributed opposite sex attraction, He make a mistake with these two. He overcompensated. I could say go get a room, but they already do.
ReplyDeletewow number 1 was a shocker, not so much for TMI, but just plain that the woman has to make herself available. I guess it must say that somewhere in the bible, but I do not agree with it. If I don't feel like it then I will tell my husband and that is it. I don't have to be available all the time just as he doesn't.
ReplyDeleteWhy is there a longer abstinence after having a boy? never heard of that.
The vulchers will strike? Does that mean any comment against your Communist beliefs?
ReplyDeleteEvery person walking on this planet is a miserable failure on a daily basis, incuding the duggars. Stop comparing yourself.
ReplyDeleteI assume that Josh and Anna have pretty much the same values, but I sure wonder how they are able to have a weekly date night, saying that they live far away from both parents. How do they do that? Do they do that?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteGrandma Duggar is a great help to them.. She is the headbabysitter and the older girls help with organizing everything..
We were so glad to see that Grandma Duggar got sort of a date night when she went to the widows banquet at Cross Church where Jill got married. Valentines day is said to be one of the most painful days for a widow, next to the anniversary of the husband's passing and his birthday. I hope she will get to go this year....with say Jana and John-David (or any two who are themselves single) That way she doesn't feel like a third wheel, as she would with a married couple taking her.
Delete@AnonymousMy husband has asked many people that question as well. And not one person has been able to answer it. Including Jewish Rabbi's. So go figure.
ReplyDeleteI agree couples should take time for their husbands, but that shouldn't mean he gets to jump on me whenever he feels like it. Wives are not their husbands' property. Women should have the right to say "not tonight" or "not right now" without worrying their husbands will cheat on them and then it'll be the wife's fault for not being "available" every night. I really respect this family, but some of these views are less biblical and more simply "teachings." They take a lot of scriptures completely out of their biblical and historical context. Like with the skirts. They take a passage out of Deuteronomy that was written to discourage cross-dressing, which was becoming a problem at the time. Pants are not strictly "that which pertaineth unto a man," especially when you consider they were all wearing robes and tunics at the time of Moses and the laws he wrote. It also says you should stone a woman to death if she sleeps with a man who isn't her husband, but I don't see them following THAT law of Moses.
ReplyDeleteIf you are going to be RUDE and DISRESPECTFUL then save your words for a blog elsewhere where you like the people...sorry you are full of hate! And if you think it is TMI then i hope you dont have cable tv or any novels because everything in those is TMI!! Why is it sex is okay on all of those???
ReplyDelete@Anonymousanonymous 29,awe sweetie bless your kind, sweet heart. However I don't know why u think I'm a communist,actually I'm a registered Independent.I'm a optimist who is content with my life,I don't feel it necessary to judge others or put them down just to feel better.I will pray for you and your family that u are as happy as the Duggars and mine.;) ;-)
ReplyDeleteCertainly DONT NEED THE DUGGARS TO TEACH ME HOW TO HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE! ARE THEY MARRIAGE COUNSELORS NOW?
ReplyDeleteHey anonymous 29, how does being a nice person make you a communist? So does that mean that all u mean judgemental haters are atheists? Tell us all again, ' why on earth are you on this site? Go to Google and search for the anti- Duggar sites there are lots for u there.Can I get a Amen? I guess the 98% of Duggars supporters on this site are commies because we prefer to read nice things about the family.I guess because we are all united that makes us in a cult too.lol! Bless your heart!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this! Thank you for toning down this version. The version TODAY posted on their website was in poor taste... I don't understand why the media has to make everything so overtly graphic!
ReplyDeleteWhile I definitely agree that a woman shouldn't feel compelled to have sex when she isn't in the mood, I also recognize the practical value of what Michelle is saying. Being available to my husband, even when I'm really too tired, makes a world of difference in our relationship and makes life so much easier. I don't quite understand it, but having their physical needs tended to means so much to men and denial in this area can affect them the way lack of caffeine first thing in the morning affects me.
ReplyDeleteI fail to see how treating women like second-class citizens maintains romance in a relationship, because that is how I personally view how Jim Bob and Josh treat Michelle and Anna.
ReplyDeleteI will attempt get published here. Nothing profane, derogatory, or in poor taste. This TV show used to be about a couple with lots of children, which is what I would expect TLC to continue with if they continue with the show....not about Washington, not about politics, not about the intimate lives of the Duggars, not about pro-choice or pro-life. This show did not start out on TLC about religion and politics, and I hope TLC is not heading this show in that direction. The Duggars have an overly robust physical attraction to each other, and that is not in poor taste, that is what they have publicly proclaimed.
ReplyDeleteWhat if the wife is in the mood and the husband is not? Does the wife just silence herself? Does the husband say no? Do only men have these moods? I do not raise these questions out of my own curiousness. I raise them based on that you quoted.
ReplyDeleteReading what MIchelle said, women have needs that should not be denied. However, I didn't read anywhere in this guide to "Intimacy in Marriage" what a woman needs to do if she has desires and her husband does not share those same desires on that same night. Can Michelle tell all of us women how she deals with that? Or does she not deal with that at all? Is Jim Bob always reading and willing?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteSay what. Say what again. "Thank you for toning down this version. The version TODAY posted on their website was in poor taste... I don't understand why the media has to make everything so overtly graphic." The media reported the 1000% truth.
@AnonymousI see what you are saying,I wish TLC would reach out to the fans for show ideas,I'm sure we have a lot of fun ideas. Like I rthink they should send over different chefs from the Food Network and show them some new recipes.Maybe a big family project,like an addition to there home,they will need a compound soon enough with more marriages and grand kids.Maybe more big vacations,Australia would b cool.Its endless,I just hope they stay on a while longer.
ReplyDeleteDESPITE A BUS LOAD OF KIDS THEY TAKE TIME TO BE WITH ONE ANOTHER THATS THERE CHOICE. CORRECT. WHY CONTINUE WITH THE 19 KIDS AND COUNTING I HOPE TO GOD they are done to old FOCOUC ON YOUR YOUNGER ONES !
ReplyDeleteI really really don't like this family. The facts that they show their lives on TV is a big sign for not being "True Christians" as said before by an anonymous commenter. Where is humility really that Jesus taught us? I see a personality in Michelle that is really looking forward to show off herself by many ways. Why should we care about what she does with her husband? Why should we discuss about them? What did make them experts on everything?
ReplyDeleteI see no true christian virtue in this family apart from virginity and stuff. I am really sorry for their kids, because they made them follow that sad and sooo anti-christian path.
If someone in Christianity is an expert in giving advices, this is a priest, which I have never seen one in their lives.
Being far away from true Christianity, which is Orthodoxy (Ortho dogma = the right dogma - aspect - translation from the Greek words) they have missed much from the real meaning of Christianity.