If you were a fan of Counting On or have read The Hope We Hold, you have probably heard about the questionnaire that Jim Bob Duggar sent to his daughters' potential suitors. This extensive document contained 235 questions and was 60 pages long. In the latest episode of their podcast, Jinger and Jeremy Vuolo share some details about the questionnaire and the vetting process for entering into a courtship with a Duggar daughter.
Did any suitor ever get denied on the basis of his answers?
ReplyDeleteWho knows. But if Daddy chooses The One for you, then that's The One. Good luck!
DeleteThe questionnaire is a good idea. But I would hand-deliver it. The one suitor was too shy to give it to Jim personally, so must have paid a heavy postage fee for the 60 pages!
ReplyDeleteHow is it a good idea to be nosing in on someone's personal life like that? How about letting your daughter find out what kind of man she's interested in by going on private dates and getting to know someone? A questionnaire means nothing. Anyone can make up answers they think the parent would want to hear. But nobody can keep up a charade in real life. Actions speak louder than words.
DeleteIs this something A. I. could fill out?
ReplyDeleteKudos to the brave suitor who goes that route!
He got the short version! The one I saw had over 420 questions.
ReplyDeleteIt is NOT the parents' place to vet potential spouses!!!! It's up to the individuals considering dating and marrying. Not letting your kids be in charge themselves and trying to hone in on the vetting process says you don't trust your kids' judgement - the very judgement you were proud of saying you instilled in your kids. If a potential spouse's parents had done this to me, I would have RUN, not walked, in the other direction!
ReplyDeleteI agree. Lack of trust in your daughter's ability to be smart in her choice for sure. Also, a real invasion of privacy of the suitor's finances.
Delete3:47 it is indeed, the parents’ place to screen suitors of 18 year-old and 20 -year old-ish offspring. They should not trust their children to pick the right spouse. Goodness, gracious, look what happened when Michelle’s parents trusted their daughter to pick the right spouse.
Delete3:47. Yes. Not the parents’ place to screen the potential spouse. Some parents are not capable. A prison-ministry does not make one capable.
DeleteWell said. I can understand why a Father or Mother would want to do it. We're all protective of our children but everything you said is true. Also some of the questions on those pages I have heard the kids mention here and there through the years, simply aren't any business of the parents. They are way too intrusive. Everything you said is spot on.
Delete@12:19 Then your other mistake as a parent is to encourage your daughters to marry young, not go on to higher education and possibly a career for awhile, until they're mature enough not to need your silly and intrusive questionnaire.
DeleteIf they pay for the wedding, they have rights. Like it or not
DeleteSome Christian ministers have questionnaires for couples to fill out before they marry them. I think its a good idea. That being said, I don't think it has to be as long as they do
Delete@8:59 Paying for the wedding (which Jim Bob did not, not if TLC was around) doesn't give you any "rights" to start dictating things. It's a good way to cause family fights though, if you hold money over someone's head and expect them to bow down to you because of that.
Delete8:59,isn't that blackmail? I'll pay for your wedding but I'll choose the groom/bride. Not a chance.
Delete@8:59 If a parent would hold financing a wedding over their child's head as a license to interfere in their life and marriage, it would be far better to elope to the nearest courthouse and forgo a wing-ding.
DeleteYikes!
ReplyDeleteWhy didn't Anna have to fill that out too????? Didn't they want to make sure she was "moral enough" for their son? Or were they just out to find him that...what did he call it...some sort of "model"... Also notice that Josh didn't have to fill it out for Anna's parents. This whole thing is so terribly strange.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts exactly!
DeleteTell me you're an over-controlling parent without telling me you're an over-controlling parent.
ReplyDeleteI find it very disconcerting that they'll ask a zillion questions to someone who was interested in marrying their daughters, but not have one shred of protection in place when those daughters were in their own home with their own brother. They didn't even recognize red flags. So I don't know how they'd begin to properly judge courtship answers from potential suitors. I think it was all for show.
ReplyDeleteMaybe @11:25 it was because of what happened with Josh that they became hyper cautious about who was interested in their daughters. Think how inadequate a protector Jim Bob must have felt...couldn't protect his daughters from their own brother. I'd understand why he'd want to make triply sure not to make a similar mistake with the men his daughters married. Problem is I think he overcompensated big time in his quest to be careful.
DeleteParents ought to be involved to some extent as they are older and wiser and it's their precious daughter whose happiness is on the line here so let's have some understanding from their perspective, however THAT kind of questionnaire is beyond ridiculously extreme. Absolute nonsense! How can someone possibly come up with that many questions that they think need answering? Insane! I have 12 to 15 questions I'd ask for the relationship to start and my dads stipulation is no marriage until after 3 months and the whole family votes "he's the one". Since there's only 5 of us to be convinced I'm not concerned about the ballot outcome. :)
ReplyDelete(A) Nobody gets to vote on my love life. If I would have married the boys my mother liked, I would have been very unhappy. They turned out to be losers later. That's why I only dated them and came to the conclusion they were not for me. My parents were skeptical of the one I finally chose, as were his parents, but boy did we prove them wrong and boy did they have to eat crow later when they realized how wrong they were.
Delete(B) How about telling your daughters to wait until they're older and wiser themselves before getting married? It's not a race out of the high school gate to find a mate and start having babies. The Duggars seem to think it is though. If you have to have your dad ask a zillion nosy questions, then you don't know that person well enough to marry them in the first place.
@ 11:18 (A) I (commenter @9:23) am a 31 year old single woman. (B) the 12-15 questions are my questions. My dad has no questionnaire that I know of. They are basic questions like "are you a Christian?", "what kind of church do you prefer?", "Which Bible version do you use?" etc. Compatibility questions so that a relationship can start with us on the same page on the basics. (C) My Dad's only stipulations are: a three month courtship/dating period, whichever term you prefer. This is the minimum amount of time between starting a relationship and marriage. If, at the end of three months the guy has proved himself worthy, we could get married the very next day! My dad just wants a unanimous vote from himself, my mom and my two siblings. We are a close family and honestly, I respect the judgment and discernment of my family and I WANT their input. (Honestly, I'd bring my boyfriend along to family holidays gatherings/reunions etc to introduce him to my aunts, uncles, cousins, see how he acts and talks around them for one thing, and I'd ask my relatives' opinion of him afterward. The Bible says "In a multitude of counselors there wanteth not wisdom") If the vote is not unanimous then the relationship period continues or discontinues depending on the situation. ie. what things we have and haven't learned about the man. (D) I would be doing the large majority of evaluating. I'm not relying on my dad to do all the scrutiny. He'll get to the know the man through normal interactions like dinners, church etc. Meaningful conversations man to man. (E) My opinions, and feelings would be the most important things consulted. If I don't like a guy its over, if I think he deserves more time, it continues. My dad has a high opinion of my evaluation of people. I voiced dislike for a pastor whose church we were going to years back and one day my dad realized I was right and he said to me “next time you have a bad feeling about a man I'm going to listen to you!”. Throughout a relationship, I'd consult the wisdom of my elders and pray to God for guidance. (F) Ultimately each process will look different for each family depending on their unique situation. The Bible lays out guidelines for Christian families and they incorporate them to the best of their ability for their unique situation. (G) Obviously I thought Jim Bob's deal was way too extreme. Frankly, I thought my comment was pretty reasonable.
DeleteSo, if just one of your family members votes "he isn't the one", you'd let their opinion override your own and break up with the guy?
Delete@4:06 see comment @7:56. I explained how it would work.
DeleteMost unusual way 2 people ever met and married, right here. Hope there's a guy out there who's willing to be "voted" on. Lofty intentions. You'd get married the next day if the vote was unanimous and you only knew someone 3 months? Wow. That's no time at all.
Delete@7:56 If a father has certain "stipulations" for his adult 31 year old daughter when it comes to dating and marriage, I think it's a sign of distrust. You said yourself that your dad trusts your ability to evaluate people. If that's the case, there's no need for anyone in the family, including him, to have a final vote. But... different strokes for different folks.
Delete@9:22 if you know you. I know of a couple who married after only 2 weeks of dating and they were married until death did them part decades later. Time is not the deciding factor here. 2 wks, 3 months, 10 mths , three years, when you know, you know. And frankly if the guy loves that girl he'll "like" or do or put up with whatever he has to. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Delete@2:47 she did say things will look different for each family. And she did say she WANTED their input. "Multitude of counselors"...great point.
Delete@1:47 Input is one thing. Control is quite another.
Delete@9:22 the 3 mths was a minimum dating period. That doesn't mean it's the sum total of time she knew the guy. Could be they knew each for years at that point and took their relationship to the next level. Look at Jana and Stephen. They knew each other since they were kids but didn't enter a relationship until they were in their 30s. Basically her dad's saying any guy who wants to date her has to date a minimum of 3 mths before marriage is even considered. That's not unreasonable. That is far less involved then Jim Bob is with his daughters.
Delete@2:47 my dad does not distrust me. As a matter of fact he's pretty much given me free reign since I graduated from high school. He's told me, "I taught you what was right and wrong. I expect you to exercise discernment and follow God." And that was basically his pat on my back and school and teenagerhood was behind me. He's a pretty hands off guy. He just wants a say in who I marry and I don't think that's unreasonable. After all he's the one giving me away.
Delete@4:49 40 years ago I walked down the aisle with my husband, not my dad. It wasn't because I didn't love and respect my dad. I did, deeply, and miss him every single day. However, he and I knew that I wasn't his property to give away. Funny thing, there's never been a tradition of a parent giving the groom away.
Delete@6:32 Its not funny at all. No such tradition ever started because a man is different from a woman (not better then her, just different). His and her roles in the marriage bond were different historically then how they are viewed today. In the Bible, men marry while women are GIVEN in marriage. Biblically speaking fathers do in a sense "own" their daughters. Not like a car or a piece of furniture, but there is a level of ownership, or shall we say authority, there that scripture teaches requires a father's permission when his daughter makes a vow (Numbers chapter 30) and that would include a pledge to marry a man. The tradition of the father walking the daughter down the aisle and giving her to the husband at the altar stems from the teaching that a father gives his daughter in marriage and there are those of us who do not view this tradition as a mere meaningless formality, but a Biblically required step before marriage. A girl can by all means accept a marriage proposal before her father's permission is gained by the man, but according to Numbers 30, the marriage can not take place unless the daughter's vow to marry that man is upheld by her father. Can fathers make mistakes...absolutely, but a Christian father who truly loves God and his daughter will pray that God gives him the wisdom to make the right decision in regards to his daughter's future.
Delete@9:12 That may be your belief but I and certainly others don't agree. Physical anatomy doesn't determine any kind of "ownership" or authority over anyone. You're following customs from thousands of years ago, written down in order to keep women subservient and men in power. Kings and (male) rulers back then had to control the masses using the church/religion so they would not lose their positions of power (although some rulers did and still deserve to be unseated). All through history, most women were treated as second-class citizens, regarded just slightly above a man's cattle or those forced to work for him. There is no need for that kind of authority structure any more. If a woman wants to hold her father's arm when she walks down the aisle (or in the Jewish faith, both parents for both bride and groom), it's simply a sign of love, not ownership or authority. Be "given" like property if you want, but don't expect others to hold that same archaic view of marriage.
Delete6:32 I agree... men and women are different in many respects. However, if you're making a case for men to be an authority figure and women must obtain their permission or let them make decisions for them, the implication is that somehow men are better.. or smarter, more wise, etc. Considering the state of the world and our country with mostly ego-driven and corrupt men calling the shots, I think it's high time women give it a go.
Delete9:12 With this kind of male-authored ideology that gives them ultimate power and authority, women can never experience genuine autonomy or independence, as they are perpetually under the authority of a male... whether it's her father or husband, no matter how old she is. I don't think there's anything wise about it.
Delete@9:12 If the god of the Bible is perfect, women wouldn't need a middle-MAN to make any decisions about their future. They would all have the wisdom to make her own decisions.
DeleteScary is all I have to say. Bizzare
ReplyDeleteI agree. It's an effort to intimidate any potential suitor.
DeleteWas your father or brothers in your life to show concern for you?
DeleteThat's absolutely RIDICULOUS!
ReplyDeleteRun fast and far
ReplyDeleteRun fast and far
ReplyDeleteHere's a different take: There's at least five different men who loved those Duggar women enough to fill out those questionnaires. Kudos to those guys.
ReplyDeleteWhat if Jim Bob had said no to the answers? Would there have been 5 elopements and an angry father times 5? Or 5 guys who walked away and thought about writing a tell-all book, if they hadn't been forced to sign a non-disclosure like everyone else who brushed shoulders had to?
DeleteMy take is that this suitor test made for good TV material.
Delete6:03 I thought it was kept quiet until the kids outed it on one of those recap shows? Another one of those things that went on behind the scenes that viewers weren't supposed to know about at the time.
Delete